pilotbobette's Friends

I feel sick.
So. This whole "being pregnant" thing is very new to me. I've never been 5 months pregnant before.
My energy level is higher than it was a month ago, but it's still not very high at all. I don't feel anything close to "normal" these days.

Tonight is New Years Eve. Because I don't have the energy to wander around pregnant downtown with drinking-Josh and his drunken friends, I decided to stay home.
Alone.
It all just seemed easier, that way. Because the fighting over what I didn't feel capable or comfortable doing against everything he didn't want to do because it was the end of the decade and maybe even the last New Years Eve he gets to spend with his friends, was pointless.

I would have gone if he wouldn't have drank, that's for sure. But even so, only for so long. Then I would have wanted to come home. But that would have "sucked" for him, because he wanted to "hang out and have a couple drinks" with his friends. If I needed to go home earlier than he had wanted me to, his night would have been ruined, anyway.

And telling me he wanted my company, to show me off to his barfly friends? Did not make me feel respected at all. It made me feel like a trophy. Especially considering the fact that by distancing himself from me through all of this so far, he's only become less of a man and more a coward, in my eyes.
And he deserves no trophy.

There was no offer of coming to see me at midnight, and to stay.
There was no offer of understanding my needs, and being realistic in the sense that maybe wandering around downtown for hours wasn't the best idea.
There was no offer of compromise when I said that going to the bars while pregnant simply made me uncomfortable, and I didn't want to do it.
There was no offer of coming back to my house to sleep afterward, where people don't smoke indoors.

There was a hissy-fit about my lack of compromise and negative attitude regarding going out to the bars, an argument of "why not" when I said I didn't want to sleep at his place just for the sake of not driving back across town, and a suggestion of "you don't have to be anyone's designated driver" when walking downtown was proposed.

There was "if you're sure it's okay", and "well, we have tomorrow".

I am 5 months pregnant.
I just found out yesterday that I'll be giving birth to a baby girl.
And the father of this child has checked-out on the reality of all of this. It appears, in fact, that he has no concerns about me particularly. Not how tired I am, how my legs cramp no matter how much water I drink, how my back aches and my stomach aches because of how quickly this baby is starting to grow inside of me.... None of those things are ever considered.
Therefore, I feel as though I myself am not considered. My physical well-being, as well as emotional.

The support I'm receiving comes from the least likely of places, my parents, and myself. Josh expects me to be Superwoman. And I'm not.

2010 is going to be worse than 2009.
And for me, there's no reason to celebrate a goddamn thing.

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